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1996-01-01
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=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
HOLIDAY SEASONS
by Jim Rosenberg
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
It's the holiday season. For us, that means a reunion of
Barbara's clan: The Family that Hotels Forgot." It has taken
several years for me to become comfortable with these get-
togethers, during which we all sleep together in a single cramped
house like Bob, Carol, Ted & Alice, only with no sex.
My own blood family, God love 'em, knows the value of a quiet
building with bellhops and maids -- an oasis which is only a breezy
excuse away (we'd better be getting back to the hotel -- you know
how pumpkin pie revvs your father's engine.") Including children,
there will be *24* of us going off to Alabama for the holidays and,
despite my genuine affection for the group, I have considered
jumping out of the plane on the way and spending Christmas with
Ned Beatty's squealing partner from Deliverance.
Shortly after our marriage, Barbara and I spent Christmas in
Raleigh with my brother's family. This was Barbara's first
disastrous encounter with love, Rosenberg style. We were one of
about three guests at the North Raleigh Days Inn, where I slept
like a baby and Barbara stayed up all night sobbing quietly over
the lonely, soulless life she'd wound up with when she chose me
as her mate. To me, it was the perfect holiday.
At night, we had the option of noisy marital relations, any
further details being none of your business. In the morning, we
slept late on our fluffy pillows until the maids came, then had a
nice hot breakfast. Over at my brother's, we would have slept in
the bumpy plastic molding of Barbie's Funtime Playhouse, only with
absolutely no funtime if you catch my drift. In the morning we
would have risen with the kids at the crack of dawn to a breakfast
consisting of cold Fruit Loops and all the migraine pills you can
eat. I rested my case, but Barbara was not weakening a bit.
In the past six years, as unlikely as it seems, I've done a
complete flip-flop. I now actually look forward to sleeping
crammed nine to a bed, with some Demarest's toe up my nose. For
one thing, all those cousins give my own wild boys a much needed
jolt to their cockiness . . .
Then, there is Barbara's father: Tool Man -- a God-like hero
to my David ("If he comes, he will build it"). One visit with
Granddaddy gives David a booster shot of handyman work which
immunizes him for another year -- from my incompetence. Perhaps
most importantly, the utter chaos of the event relieves the typical
holiday pressure. There is no time or space to put on airs, because
you've got to make sure your child isn't choking someone else's
child. Not that anyone would notice for a few weeks, but it's still
the polite thing to do.
Now, I pity *everyone else* -- flying off to edgy, tension-packed
family holidays. For them, I have collected some of my favorite
holiday recipes and traditions which I hope will add joy to the
season and serve to reduce the tremendous stress.
[ ] = permissible substitutions
"Bumpkin Pie"
RV-load of rural relatives
10 fifths of Jack Daniels
10 cases Old Milwaukee
Crab dip
New carpet
Mix until spews
"Braised Feelings"
Nervous daughter [daughter-in-law]
10 pounds extra fat
1 cracked mother [mother-in-law]
Mix together and stew
"Black Sheep Pie"
1 black sheep
Hopes (dashed)
Feelings (bitter)
Heat until boiling
"Whine Spritzer"
2 or more siblings [friends]
2 parents
1 lifetime of missed opportunities
Mix ingredients together in big room. Add whine.
"Family Outing Picnic"
Gay sibling
Conservative parents
Longtime companion
Cover feelings and simmer for lifetime. Do not overcook.
"Big Hair Centerpiece"
Cosmetologist-trainee [sister]
Dyed blonde hair
Fluff with fork
"Couch Potato Pie"
19 bowl games
1 large rump
Stuff with food
Let sit
HAPPY HOLIDAYS and have a VERY HAPPY NEW YEAR, from me to you.
If you are so inclined, please e-mail me a fruit log.
(DREAM)
Copyright 1996 Jim Rosenberg, ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
By day, Jim Rosenberg works in the insurance industry keeping his
sense of humor on leash. By night, he lets it run wild and free as
the humor columnist for TRIADstyle, a weekly publication affiliated
with the News & Record in Greensboro, NC. Jim can be reached via the
Internet at: abco100@nr.infi.net
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